"Still Got Skills"

So, another of the many projects I'm working on is a compilation of writings called "Bits and Pieces". It is exactly what the title implies, a collection of Comedy bits and Spoken Word pieces. For most of the content, I simply turned on my timer, set it for 5 minutes and wrote until the buzzer sounded. Needless to say there is some random shit in "Bits and Pieces". Want an example?? Well here goes.... I wrote this in 5 minutes. It's a lot funnier when I perform it in the context of a stand up routine (note to reader, come to one of my gigs).. But read it anyway (and kind of imagine me on stage at a comedy club- with a microphone and a glass of water, and a stool)..

"Ladies and gentleman, this dude is very funny- he comes from Cleveland, Ohio- y'all give a warm welcome to Anderson Scott.." crowd goes wild, then I step on stage and say:

My life's motto is "DON'T SLEEP ON PEOPLE'S SKILLS". It's a general rule of thumb that if someone knew how to do something at some point in time, then they probably can still do that thing (at least a little bit). Example: I used to be able to play basketball. I wasn't great, but I could hold my own. Then I spent ten years drinking like a fish and smoking like a Marley. Needless to say, I'm not as good as I was- but if a nigga put a gun to my head and said "Dribble through your legs, or I'm gon' kill you!" or "Make a lay up or die?"- I'd probably live to laugh about that shit later.

My point being- let's stop acting like people can't do the shit they used to do. Crackheads, for instance.. they look fucked up. Sometimes they stank. They're good for a hearty chuckle when seen on YouTube. But we need to utilize their power. Think about it-- most male crackheads know how to fix shit. Cars, A/C units, roofs- you name it, Roosevelt the crackhead can fix it. Seriously, crack has enslaved us. It killed our families. It destroyed our neighborhoods. Crack owes us. Getting my brakes fixed, tires changed and radiator flushed for $20 and a pack of Newports is my reparations. I know you're thinking- "You gon' let a crackhead fix your car? The same car you risk your life in everyday?" My answer..."Muthafucka, that crackhead was a certified mechanic JUST LAST WEEK. Do you know how many cokehead stockbrokers make people filthy rich on a daily basis. Shit, truth be told- when I lived in the projects, I saw DOCTORS coming to buy crack, weed, and powder- IN THEIR SCRUBS! (real talk)... So if Chad can operate on my heart while he's geeked up, I think Roosevelt can handle fixing my serpentine belt after he blazes a stone.

And what about female crackheads?? Ohhhhh, "she used to be the prom queen- then she got on drugs!" Or "she used to be the most popular girl at school, all the boys wanted her- then she got on drugs!" Or "she was the best singer in the world- she had a beautiful voice- then she got on drugs!"...My response?? "I bet she can still suck a mean d*%k. And her standards are probably a lot lower now. I didn't have a chance then. But now that she's a crackhead...." Sweet reparations.

(The writer of this blog does not condone sex with drug addicts)